


A Mess Of Things

by Prumery



Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: Angst, M/M, Sudden Infant Death Syndrome, age gap
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-01
Updated: 2016-03-01
Packaged: 2018-05-24 03:07:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,233
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6139249
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Prumery/pseuds/Prumery
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>There are a lot of things that Alfred doesn’t know about Gilbert, since he is much older, and much more experienced. But when he whispers someone’s name under his breath, he needs answers. Though, sometimes things are best left unsaid.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Mess Of Things

4:49 a.m.

It wasn’t uncommon for Alfred to have insomnia. There were times where it was worse, though, and just a random occurence of them wasn’t a pain. Well, it was, but then again he couldn’t control it.

He sighed heavily as he turned over to look at Gilbert’s back, seeing scars and old wounds from things that he didn't exactly like talking about. There’s nothing wrong with that, just that Alfred sometimes wishes that he could just talk to him.

But he’s not the talking type. And everytime he does try to talk to Gilbert, it just ends up with weird, emotional sex that Alfred is mind blown with, but still annoyed with. It’s confusing to talk to Gilbert, even though Alfred has told him everything about himself. From him being the first person he’s ever actually loved, to him being the first person to see him cry, besides his brother.

Gilbert loved him, he knows this. When Alfred wakes up every morning, Gilbert is awake first, with his eyes staring into Alfred’s being, brushing his fingers against his blond hair, and kissing him softly, and gently, saying “Good morning, I love you,” And Alfred replying with a “Good morning, i love you too.”

It was always this. Always this repetitive idea that Gilbert was completely in love with him.

Or… So he thought.

Gilbert laid on his back like he usually does when he sleeps, looking away from Alfred. The blond can still feel the calloused hands against his hips and the burn at his ass was a reminder of how great of a lover his partner was.

Alfred turns over, gently putting his fingers against Gilbert’s jugular. Blunt nails graze against the skin, raising goosebumps and making Alfred smile.

Gilbert shifts in the bed, and he swallows audible. He turns over, his eyebrows knitting and a breath coming out of his lips. A smile crosses his face and he laughs softly.

Alfred grins at that, and then brushes his fingers over the man’s lips, pressing a gentle kiss there. Gilbert laughs again--

“Erszie--”

Alfred freezes.

Gilbert is quiet, his face a little restless. Alfred suddenly sees tears filling his eyes, and he whispers that woman’s name again. He begins to shift again, and Alfred has to bite his lip from letting out a sob.

Gilbert looks uncomfortable, but Alfred is too busy crying quietly to notice that.

 

* * *

 

The bed only has Gilbert in it when he wakes up. It’s surprising, to say the least, as Alfred doesn’t really wake up early. That doesn’t really surprise him, honestly, Alfred’s sleeping schedule is hectic.

Getting up, he does his routine; washing his teeth, taking a bath, going to the bathroom, so on and so forth. He now realized the smell of breakfast hangs heavy on the air, and he goes to the kitchen to find Alfred making food. He leans in to kiss him, and instead of having Alfred turning to kiss his lips, Alfred stays still and lets him kiss his cheek.

Huh.

Gilbert pays it no mind, going to the table and eating off the plate in front of him, smiling and grinning at Alfred. He’s quiet as Gilbert starts babbling about work, and about a new guy at the tattoo shop, and it’s a funny story, but Alfred isn’t in the mood.

His construction job doesn’t start up until next week, so he’s kinda stuck at home until that. So the blond had taken it up to himself to start making the house very nice and clean, since his partner had rubbed off on him.  
But as he washed the dishes and heard Gilbert say goodbye, he wasn’t sure if Gilbert wanted this.

They had been together for almost two years, and every day was better and better. Even if Gilbert was in his early thirties and Alfred was barely breaking 23. Alfred loved Gilbert, even if he hadn’t said much about himself.

But now that he thought about it, Gilbert had mentioned wanting kids. He had mentioned wanting a family, and being together with someone for the long run. Maybe Alfred wasn’t that person.

Well, he tried to be. He hadn’t had the best upbringing, as his parents divorced and half of his childhood was plagued with eating disorders and depression, and even so, Alfred believed he could be an okay parent.

An okay one. Then again, he had never thought he’d end up with a man. Believing up until he met Gilbert that he was in fact straight.

He finished washing the dishes, and stared at the water as it circled down the drain. Tears filled his eyes, and he wiped them.

Gilbert would’ve told him about someone right? Was he cheating on him?

If he was, Alfred could fix it. He could… Do something. He could fix it, he knew he could. All he had to do was become someone Gilbert wanted right?

Even if he was a man, the woman’s name seemed to be spoken more lovingly than him. As if the woman had held some sort of value to Gilbert more than Alfred.

Honestly, if Alfred could pop three or four kids, he’d willingly do it for Gilbert. He completely and absolutely adores that man, and he wished he could give him what he wants.

And he’s in turmoil, until he sees his partner park in the driveway, and his eyes brighten, running to Gilbert like he does everyday, and hugging him tight. Gilbert is laughing and kissing his neck, and he holds him tight.

“How are you, my love?”

“I’m very good,” Alfred lies and closes his eyes, feeling Gilbert’s hum on his nose and his eyelid. He feels his heartbeat, and smells the sweet scent of cologne. His Gilbert is home, his everything is home, and he feels okay.

For now.

 

* * *

 

 

Gilbert is kissing his neck, and his collar, and Alfred finds himself moaning back at him. It’s a bit more nervous this time, but Alfred indulges in the feeling of being loved. Thin fingers go up his shirt and gently press into his back, making sure to touch all of the parts that makes Alfred squirm.

He’s pushed onto the bed, and Alfred fights his pants, but is quickly taken aback by Gilbert’s hands quickly pulling him out of his confines of his pants.  
Alfred let out a hiss as he feels his body being touched and rubbed. His eyes closed and he huffed a little, arching into the hand.

“Alfred--”

The blond suddenly remembered how Gilbert said that woman’s name. He stopped, and froze against his hands, and Gilbert tried to keep going, but Alfred suddenly tugged away from him.

Gilbert stared, confused. His eyes looked into Alfred’s, but the blond couldn’t meet his gaze.

“Wh… What’s wrong?”  
Alfred said nothing, taking off his clothes and then tucking himself in on the other side. Gilbert stared at him, dumbfounded, as since they had been sexually active for almost the entirety of their relationship. The first time they did it was a year and a half ago, and from then on it was common for them to do it.

There was not once where either of them said no or backed out, so as Alfred quietly tucked himself in and didn’t look at Gilbert.

“Did i do something?”

Alfred didn’t say anything, as if he answered that he’d be lying. There was a silence and then a curse in German and Gilbert shed his clothes and went to the shower. There was a wince as Alfred knew that the water was probably freezing.

A couple of minute later, Gilbert came out, shivering a little and slid on clothes and then sliding into the bed. He tried to hug Alfred, only to get an angry shrug, and he didn’t let him touch him.

“Alfred, talk to me.”

The blond covered his face and closed his eyes, wanting to sleep. He didn’t want the image of Gilbert sleeping with another woman, he didn’t like the idea of Gilbert just using him for some sort of satisfaction that the other woman didn’t give him.

Or that… He was using him in some sort of way.

Gilbert put a hand against his shoulder and pressed his head on Alfred’s, sighing.

“Do you promise to talk to me when you finally let this get out of your system?”

Alfred didn’t say anything, and fell asleep quicker than he expect.

 

* * *

 

There wasn’t a kiss on his cheek that morning. There wasn’t breakfast. There was a small note saying “Sorry for no food! I was running late - Love, Gilbert.”

Alfred stared at the hazardous throwing of clothes and smiled gently, as his partner had probably fretted over him for hours, and honestly, Alfred felt better.

He then picked up his clothes, going through his things and then finding Gilbert’s phone. He knit his brows, staring at the thing, and not exactly knowing why he left it.

As he turned it over, he realized that this wasn’t Gilbert’s. It was a later model, and even though it was touch, it wasn’t advanced.

Hm.

He turned it on, and noticed that the phone had been in the back of one of Gilbert’s trousers. Some that he didn’t use.

Weird.

But he unlocked the phone, seeing the typical apps. He knows he shouldn’t have done it, but he opened the photos app and began to go through them.

What he found made his skin crawl.

There were pictures of a woman in them. With beautiful green eyes, and pouty lips. She was gorgeous, with tan skin, wonderful hair and supple hips.

She held a small little girl in her arms, grinning and the baby gripping her hand. Her eyes were big and wide, like her mother’s, but her skin was soft and pale, with pale eyelashes and eyebrows and hair. Rosy cheeks and pretty little lips smiled at him and Alfred felt his heart clench.

Tears filled his eyes and he saw this… Life that Gilbert had. It probably was even active right now, maybe Alfred was just a second family, or just…

Something that could be used.

But Gilbert had been living with him for years, how would he even find the time…?

There was a video and he opened it, not thinking too much because he was numb. The video was very happy, as the little girl was giggling and clapping her hands.

“Hilda? Talk to Papa!”

It was in german, and from what very little Alfred knew, he was asking the little girl to call him Dad and tell him I love you. The girl couldn’t be older than 8 months, she was so tiny.

And the video cut as the girl said “I love you” as the battery died and Alfred was left staring at a broken reflection of him looking completely and utterly heartbroken.

Gilbert… Either has, or had a family. And he seemed happy. From the laughing and clapping with his daughter, he heard happiness.

Alfred remembers meeting Gilbert, and noticed how jaded and dark he was. Soon, he started growing happier, but… The happiness he has now was nothing like the one in the video.

The door to the front of the house clicked open and Alfred sobbed, wiping his hands against his face and trying to hide the fact that he was crying.

“Alfred? Babe, I brought food!”

He hiccuped, trying harder to hide the crying, but it was getting heavier. Did Gilbert even love him? Did he miss this family he left, or did… He still have them?

“Alfred?”

There was a pause in the movement of bags, and then Gilbert walked over to the bedroom, seeing Alfred staring at the closet. There’s a silence, as Gilbert probably knows what he found.

“... Gilbert…?”

“...”

“Who… Who’s Hilda?”

He whispered, turning slowly and staring at Gilbert. The man audibly swallowed, as Alfred had tears rolling down his cheeks, looking like he’d been crying with slightly puffy eyes and red skin.

Gilbert stood up straight and his eyes darted away from Alfred’s. He said nothing and Alfred gripped the phone tighter.

“Gilbert… Gilbert, are you cheating on me?”

Gilbert’s eyes finally met Alfred’s and with no hesitation, said--

“No. I am not.”

Alfred stared at the phone in his hands, and he began to cry harder. He stared at Gilbert, who didn’t move or say anything, looking like a deer in the headlights.

“Don’t lie to me Gilbert--”

“I’m not lying,”

“Gilbert--”

“How much did you see?”

The man whispered, not looking at Alfred’s gaze, something that he never did. He’d always look Alfred in the eyes, no matter what.

“Look at me when i’m speaking to you, Gilbert,” Though Alfred’s eyes were filled with tears, and he was sad and almost close to breaking down, there was a coldness in his voice and person that made Gilbert’s eyes snap to him.

“Tell me. Who is Hilda.”

Gilbert stared at Alfred, his eyes wide. There was no use anymore, he had to tell him.

“My daughter.”

Alfred felt his heart hurt. His lip twitched, and he fisted his hands at his sides, he wiped his nose and felt more hot tears drip down his cheeks.

“Alfred, please… Do not push this.” Gilbert said in a warning, and Alfred turned to his closet and began to pull out a suitcase.

Gilbert quickly stepped to him, and grabbed his hand, and stared at Alfred.

“Alfred, no, not now don’t do this--”

“Tell me why you haven’t told me about her!” Alfred spit, and pulled away, fighting the older man. The albino opened and closed his mouth and looked away.

“I don’t want to talk about it--”

“Then i’m leaving,” Alfred grabbed the case again and Gilbert pulled Alfred away, making him scream and kick at him.

“DON’T TOUCH ME!”

“Alfred, please, don’t leave me. Not right now, please, god, not right now.” Gilbert’s voice cracked and Alfred felt his heart ache even more as Gilbert sounded so broken.

“Do you love me?”

“Yes. More than anything.”

“Why did you lie to me?”

“I never di--”

Alfred fought with him and Gilbert pinned him down onto the bed, looking down at him and gripping his arms above his head. Alfred wriggled, and Gilbert leaned forward.

“I _never_ lied to you.”

Alfred began to cry, not knowing and not understanding what was wrong. Was he not good enough? If this woman had Gilbert’s fucking child, why hadn’t he been told?

“Why don’t you trust me…?” Alfred whispered, and Gilbert gently put his hand on his cheek, and pressed his head against his forehead.

And for the first time in the entire time he’s known Gilbert, he sees him cry. Tears are rolling down Gilbert’s nose and dripping onto Alfred’s face and the blond stiffens.

“You said her name in your sleep, Gilbert… Do you still love her?”

“Alfred… Please… Don’t do this,” He whispered, his eyes opening and looking like he was breaking down. Alfred cupped his face, and stared at him.

“You said her name, Gilbert. Do you still love her?” He whispered again, this time with more force. Gilbert bit his lip and closed his eyes.

“.... My baby girl died... “

Alfred had never felt so sad in his entire life. Gilbert began to cry softly, putting his face against Alfred’s chest and he began to sob. The blond gently wrapped his arms around his boyfriend, and pressed his head to his hair, taking in his scent, and warmth.

“I woke up… And called Erszie’s name… She wasn’t breathing Alfred, I… She wasn’t breathing, my baby girl wasn’t breathing,”

He began to breath heavier, whines coming out of his mouth. He cried like a baby, blubbering and weeping like he hadn’t cried in years.

And he probably hadn’t. Instead of judging him, he sat up and pulled him into him, holding him tight and kissing his head over and over, and letting him cry.  
Gilbert gripped his shirt, closing his eyes and rubbing his face against his chest.

“I don’t… Tomorrow was supposed to be her 13th birthday. When me and Erszie got outta high school, she found out she was pregnant. And we weren’t very good financially, or even mentally, but… We wanted a baby. And she was so excited--” He laughed gently, and Alfred felt his chest ache at the idea that his partner had had another person who he loved and adored.

“--She was healthy. A chubby little thing with Erszie’s eyes, and she smiled like me.” He laughed and dug his face into Alfred’s chest. His lip twitched, and he wiped his face.

Alfred didn’t say anything, letting him talk.

“Ah… We weren’t heavy smokers. I always made sure to smoke outside… But… Just… One day, i woke up in the middle of the night and walked saw that crib. And I stared at Hilda, and her little chest didn’t move, and the first thing I said was Erszie’s name.”

He began to cry again, and he covered his face. Tears rolled down his cheeks and he began to shake.

“We called the ambulance, but… They pronounced her dead right there on the spot. Erszie had a panic attack and… I couldn’t do anything. I just… I just stared at the crib that still had my baby girl and…”

Alfred kissed Gilbert, and hugged him tight, feeling his chest constrict as he tried to hold onto himself. Gilbert kissed him back and bit his lip.

“We were going to get married, and have a house together. But… She left a week later. I didn’t even stop her. I sold all the baby things and moved here, and just… Didn’t settle down ever after that. I hurt for so long, and for so much time I… I just wanted it to go away. I drank and smoked and had sex, and then…”  
Gilbert’s fingers ran over Alfred’s cheeks and his smile fluttered and he kissed Alfred.

“You happened to me. You are making me happy again, and… Please don’t ever think i don’t love you,” Alfred stared at him with a soft gaze, and he pressed his face against his palm. Why did he have to hurt Gilbert like this?

“I’m… Sorry i made you tell me that--” He felt a blush set on his face and he cupped Gilbert’s cheeks.

“Hilda would’ve loved you…” Gilbert whispered, smiling and kissing his palm. Alfred stared at him, confused.

“She loved people with nice smiles. Anyone who grinned at her was her favorite person. She was so happy and sweet. I bet you you would’ve gotten along.”

Alfred felt his heart swell and tears filled his eyes. The idea of having kids with Gilbert didn’t sound too bad.

“Maybe we can have our own?”

Gilbert’s face fell and then he looked away. He coughed a little, and then looked at Alfred.

“I… You don’t have a… Uhm…”

Alfred smacked his head, and crossed his arms, happy that Gilbert could easily talk about this. He knew that it was going to take a lot to actually completely tell him what happened, and who exactly Erszie was, but that would come later.

“Adoption.”

“Oh, right.”

And Alfred has always been very patient anyway. Well, not really, but yes he can be.

Gilbert loves him. From what he’s seen, he’s trying. He really is. That’s enough for Alfred.


End file.
